Monday, September 13, 2010

Ho-Hum

2.2 mile route...11.5 minutes of running, did a 6.5 minute when my goal was a 5. A good run, a good morning. But I'm feeling ho-hum.

This weekend, I wondered what would happen if I just stopped running. Would it really matter? I'm not that far into it that I'd go through withdrawl. On Sunday, my husband took a very unflattering photo of my face. It showed all the fat places in their finest glory. I had thought that maybe my face was showing a difference, but it did not in the photo.

What I really want, is change NOW. Mentally, I'm already a marathoner or maybe an ultra runner. Yet when I go out, I am barely plodding along, not even able to go for 1/2 mile. In the mirror, an obese woman looks back at me. This is after 3 months of run/walking. When will the changes happen?

I know, I'm whining. And yes, I know that it took years to get this way and will take awhile to get in shape. Mentally and logically, I know all that stuff. But psychologically, it's just not so good right now. Which really, is kind of my pattern. A couple of "hey, this is great!" weeks followed by a couple of weeks of whining. Bear with me for a little while and it'll get better.

Something I've been pondering, is the affect of the mind on running. I was talking to a friend about exercise and she wants to get back into a walking program. She went through this book before, went all the way through it, something about 90 days until your walking habit. She wished there was another book for the next 90 days because She quit before after 90, and didn't make it a habit.

What came out of my mouth next, surprised both of us. I said something about if we only work on our physical self and don't address the mental issues, then you may not be successful. We also need to become more mentally healthy. I'm not sure where that came from, but I think it has a ring of truth to it.

When I started running, I had been inactive for years. I would try out different things, but they just didn't stick. I'm not sure what happened years ago that I stopped being physically active. In the last couple of years, I had been growing more in mental health; boundaries, spiritual maturity, in so many internal ways. Then, my husband went through kidney failure and we spent a year in survival mode until he got his transplant. He had just become fairly stable when I felt I could breathe again. Once I could breathe, I found I was exhausted from holding my breath so long. Through the winter, I rested as much as I could and went through a down time. But spring was coming.

A variety of inspirations happened this spring/early summer. I was so tired of being overweight and tired. I had high cholesterol, pre-diabetes and high blood pressure. And I was only mid-thirities! I also started watching Losing It with Jillian Michaels and watched other people, in far worse shape, get better. It was my turn. In mid-July, I hit the pavement.

I was mentally ready for a change. Now, I just need my body to catch up.

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